


"I'm Sorry for Your Loss."

by impulse_baker



Series: 100 Ways to Say 'I Love You' [10]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel is a Sweetheart, Christmas Dinner, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, holiday fluff, honestly I wrote this because I miss Bobby, the emotions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-10
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2019-03-01 04:12:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13286736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/impulse_baker/pseuds/impulse_baker
Summary: Dean is such a homebody and he is adjusted well to having so many people to care for, but as it happens with Winchesters, he can't enjoy it much until the guilt and pain of those lost with him. Cas swoops in to say exactly what he should to get Dean out of his blues.





	"I'm Sorry for Your Loss."

Having the Bunker so full was amazing. Everywhere he went, there were people eating, drinking, laughing, yelling, and there was just so much commotion echoing off the thick walls. Dean loved it. As if there weren’t already enough people around, he had even tried getting Garth and his family to join them, which unfortunately couldn’t happen because of another pup on the way.

He loved almost bumping into Charlie and Eileen as he rounded the corner. He loved having to step around and maneuver through Jody, Donna, and Linda’s circle to get to the coffee maker. He loved having to wait until Alex was done to use the really nice private bathroom upstairs that had the vanity mirror and unreasonably enormous clawfoot tub.

Realistically, he knew all these things would normally be annoying to anyone else. But he couldn’t find it in himself to care because it was holiday season, dammit. He had his family around him and everyone was having a good time. Jack, Claire and Kevin had immediately hit it off, somewhat to Dean’s surprise. They had such different personalities, but he supposed he and Cas were pretty different, and yet they were the best of friends.

It was so wonderful to have everyone he cared about under one roof, warm, well fed, and happy. It was a rare instance of total security that was a luxury to a hunter. He was certainly appreciating the holiday season more and more, and he wondered why they couldn’t do this more often, even without something to celebrate. He resolved that he would find more excuses the rest of the year to have everyone come together. Watching everyone interact made him suspect that he wasn’t the only one who would agree to that. Solid companionship wasn’t easy to come by in this life. He could see it in the way Donna would snuggle into Jody’s side and the sheriff would good naturedly roll her eyes but wrap an arm around the officer while Alex sat close on her other side. He saw it when Jack couldn’t tear himself away from Linda while she tried teaching him how to cook. None of them had typical, cookie cutter, normal lives. Monsters made sure of that. But for what it was worth, they had a family, and it made Dean ache for those they lost through the years. That ache lodges itself inside him, and suddenly, there is less cheer in the air.

 

 

Guilt of his family members that he couldn’t save weighs on Dean and the change in his mood is apparent, and he knows it. At first there were a few attempts to put a smile on his face, which he appreciated, but when nothing worked, everyone resigned to trading confused, but kind looks. He knew it wasn’t fair for him to let his sorrow affect the current celebrations, but it also wasn’t fair that Bobby and Ellen couldn’t be there to share it with them. He was stuck in a vicious cycle of survivor’s guilt and party pooper guilt and there was no getting out of it.

He moved carefully around everyone else and hurried to finish what he was doing in the kitchen so that everyone would be well taken care of, and he could retreat to his room to grieve without ruining Christmas for the rest of them.

He should have known better.

It didn’t take long for him to be sitting in bed, ear buds in, for Castiel to follow after. The angel took a seat at the foot of the bed and didn’t say anything. Dean didn’t mind the company. Rather, he wanted someone to share his grief with more than anything, someone to just sit with for a while, and no one was better for that than Cas. So, Dean took his ear buds out, unplugged them altogether, and just let the sound of REO Speedwagon fill the air between them.

_“There’s no use hangin’ on a memory/_

_No good livin’ a lie/_

_I got no use for mediocrity/_

_You know tonight’s the night/_

_We either do it or die.”_

“What is on your mind, Dean?”

“Nothin’.”

“Would you like to know what is on my mind?”

A beat of silence.

“Sure. Yeah. Yeah, why not?”

The angel scooted up the bed to join him up at the headboard.

“Out of all my existence, out of all the immeasurable time I spent with the Host, with my angelic kin, I have never felt such familial love as I do now, with all of you. I am immensely blessed and grateful to be able to take part in this, and while I am somberly reminded those of my kin with whom I was particularly close to, I wouldn’t rather be anywhere else.”

It wasn’t like Cas to say so many words and express so many things all at once, and Dean saw it as the offering that it was. His angel opened up to him, and now it was ok to be as vulnerable, and open up in return.

“I’m uhh…it just sucks. You know? Like, I’m fucking thrilled to have everyone here, but what about everyone else who _should_ be here, but isn’t? Because of some problem that I got them involved in and they…fuck.” His voice cracked, and he took a deep breath, turning his eyes skyward in hopes of retaining the threatening tears.

“Bobby gave Sammy and me our first actual, real Christmas since mom died. Man, I went out and tried to steal a present for him because I was so scared that he’d think we didn’t deserve all the stuff he got us unless I got him something, too. Nearly got my ass whooped for that, and I kind of wish I did. Because instead, he let some tears loose, gave me a hug, and cursed John a bunch. I can count on both hands all the times I’ve seen the man cry, and that was the first. The next morning, instead of staying mad at me for trying to shoplift, he made pancakes and bacon. He didn’t even get us hunting stuff. I’ll never forget. He got Sam a Boxcar Children book, and he got me box of Legos. Sam lost the book at some motel and John wouldn’t go back for it. Bobby just bought him more. Eventually Bobby had a bunch of games and shit at his place that he would just keep for us. I just wish he could be here.”

A single tear slid down Dean’s face and Castiel gently swiped it away with his thumb, his palm resting around the hunter’s sharp jaw. Wordlessly he slipped a strong arm around his shoulders and pulled him in so that his head was leaning into Cas’ collarbone. Dean let out a gruff sigh and swallowed thickly through his dry, constricted throat.

“I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Yeah. Me, too.”

 

The two of them eventually joined everybody to have dinner and entirely to Dean’s surprise, in the middle of all the chatter, his angle stood up and raised his glass of cheap white strawberry wine, and proposed a toast.

“To the family around us, and the family whose memory we preserve in our happiness.”

Then, one by one, he went around the table and honored someone.

“To Jimmy and Amelia Novak, who made sacrifices, not only for the greater good of the Earth, but for the wellbeing of their, and our, precious Claire.”

“To Mrs. Bradbury, who taught you that not all who wander are lost.”

“To Kelly Kline who loved unconditionally and reminded us the value of hope and faith.”

“To Sean, and little Owen Mills. To the brave Leahys.”

“Here is to Ellen and Jo Harvelle, who were supremely strong and brave always.”

“Here is to Bobby Singer who patiently, kindly, raised two boys who ended up saving the world.”

There were a few water works springing on every side of the table, but they were sniffled through teary smiles. Later, when Dean would ask why he did it, his angel would admit that he had remembered it from a movie and thought it was the best way to convey what he wanted.

Sam could never again argue that Cas didn’t learn anything useful from movies.

**Author's Note:**

> This is last part of my inter-series trilogy("Take My Seat", "I Saved a Piece for You")Sorry I didn't get this posted in time for Christmas. I was rather busy with my own celebration and coming back and all that stuff. Anyway, I hope you enjoyrf Let me know what you think!
> 
> Previous work: "I Saved a Piece for You."  
> Next work: "You Can Have Half."


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